The System

---> You are the antidote that gets me by, somethin' strong like a drug that gets me high. What I really meant to say is for the way I am. Never meant to be so cold. Never meant to be so cold.

What I'm about to type is personal. These are my beliefs and this is where my faith lies. It's something I can't really be convinced otherwise. Don't worry, I'm no angel, nor am I the hypocritical preacher. I'm just someone who's had his fair share of ups and downs, lefts and rights.

I've been brought up my entire life with the idea that "God" exists. I've always tried not to question that fact. When I was young, naive and wanting quick answers to trivial problems, however, I always used to somehow make him accountable for my mistakes. Somewhere along the way that changed. The God that I believed in changed from being the disappointed Father into the caring yet trusting Guardian. I choose the word "guardian" not to somehow lessen the bond I have with my God, so much as to highlight the changing set of expectations I have placed on him

The problem I have with the way people worship God is they expect so much from him. They ask for miracles daily. They ask for cures, answers, reasons. Every now and then, he delivers: the call up for that dream job or that 2nd division lotto prize. Problem is, a lot of these people blame God for their mistakes. Like when they get fired from that same job or lose that lotto money at the casino. In life, you get your chances and chances are, you'll blow a few of them. It pisses me off greatly when the blame is misplaced onto the creator.

So what do I believe in? Here we go. Firstly, I think that my expectations in God are a lot less than what most people have. I don't expect lightning bolt replies or instant solutions. I get whatever I get and and just have to work with it. I believe we're given free will for a reason and I'm out there to make the most of it (well, mostly). I know this sounds extra cheesy, but recently I found a quote in a movie which almost totally defined how I've viewed god for a long time.

Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

---> God, Evan Almighty 2007

In my opinion God gives strength because you believe in him not the other way around. I don't feel he owes me anything because he's given me everything I've ever needed to become who I am since the day I was born. For a long while now I've believed that God's responsible for 2 types of things: The big things and the small things. The small things being the subtle differences and quirks from day to day that make life interesting, like all of those little coincidences that bring people together or remind someone of something important that they've forgotten. Then there are the big things. These are the things everyone takes for granted or spend their entire lives saying grace for but never really appreciate. A loving family, a good circle of friends, a secure job nice car? Yea for sure, but how about food on the table, a roof over the head and running water? I always say this but most people really don't appreciate what they have. I'm glad I'm not "most people".

But what about the Bible? 10 commandments? The very foundations of Christianity... I am going to have to proclaim my ignorance in the teachings of the Bible and the god fearing ways of Christians everywhere but I don't think I can simply just adhere to the writings of people whose works seem to have inspired so much hate and/or prejudice. Furthermore, I think over/mis-interpretation of the Bible seems to have all but abolished what I feel to be the fundamentals of being a decent human being i.e.

Thou shalt not do anything that takes away the ability of another human being to appreciate the wonder of life and the world he or she is born into.

I realise that my opinions are those of someone born into a society and culture which is not reflective of every man, woman and child on Earth but my circumstances are certainly similar to those of many Christians around the world which is to whom I'm trying to relate all of this. I am also of the persuasion that life is full of grey areas. In saying that, I'd rather live in a world full of people who address those areas despite the associated stresses and hardships as opposed to a world full of those who would cauterise others for being different.

The problem with most organised religion is that it's far too complicated, inconsistent and exclusive to be relevant to more than a handful of people. Before I carry on let it be known that I'm not totally against the Bible. I think there are great lessons of courage, kindness and honour that can be learned in it's pages. I do however, hate the way people use the Bible and other such texts to justify their crimes of hate, ignorance and the criticisms people make of others who aren't alike.

I probably seem like a bit of a self-worshipping heathen with my "pick 'n' mix" set of beliefs and faith but I assure you all of this is a result of years of soul searching and questioning and something I haven't taken lightly. I've taken my personal vows. I've sworn my allegiances and I've decided on a way of life that suits me and what I believe in. I could never be agnostic because I find my proof of God's existence on a daily basis but I could never be a full blown Christian because a small part of me will always indulge in a life of material wonder and vulgar decadence. I enjoy parts of this messed up little world. And for all the prejudice and injustice we seem to get bombarded by daily, I can't help but find my own personal slices of heaven. I have worn this cross around my neck every single day for almost the last 3 years of my life not because it looks cool but because it reflects a decision which has defined who I am to this day. Some ask for a purpose or meaning to their life. I've known mine for a long time. It's entwined with the lives of all of those around me. I am a man of passion, conviction and faith, but never will I be a religious man. Organised religion is for the masses. So is MTV.

Just another causeway. Break.

---> Feed the cut and get in line. To live and burn is tug-o-war. Lost inspiration. Panic on the rise. A severed attempt ignored.

Right now I’m tired. Long couple of days, long couple of weeks, long year. Incidentally, the best year of my life. Funny how that works. I see these lines. Millions and millions of lines. We're all bound by them. The lines people draw for us, the lines we draw between ourselves and others, lines on the road, the lines that connect us. Boundaries, restrictions, guidelines, connections, heart strings.

I don't know. Sometimes everything seems so contrived. We end up being defined and encumbered by so many labels, judgements and preconceptions. People seem to just roll with it or even give up. I think it sucks just how much someone's negative opinion can affect another's emotions, or even opinion of themselves. Wish I could change that with some people. There are times I even wish I could change some of the things I’ve said. Bit late on that front.

Certain things don't need to be said, but some do. I was having a conversation month ago which eventually lead on to discussion about the apathy of the nation. People feel helpless and thus don't talk about subjects they feel helpless about. It's a lot easier to ignore a problem. It always will be. To a point. Unfortunately that leads to a blanket over what is and isn't acceptable. The apathy bug spreads and the ignorance continues. I think there's a certain amount of common sense that has to go into someone's decision making, but sometimes it just doesn't happen. Perhaps I was just fortunate enough to be raised with values that are mostly seen to be for the benefit of the society I live in. I can't but help find it surprising, however, just how often people don't think with regard to one another.

Duty of care - Something I learned about during my brief time at law school. Karma - Something I have learned by experience. Maybe if people started living slightly deeper lives (Wow, that's conceited). Ahh... but maybe if people started actually thinking about how their actions affect others but at the same time allowing themselves the grace to forgive others who don’t... Hah, maybe I should actually follow my own advice sometime.

I do get tired of people saying they're being "realistic" to justify something shitty they’ve done. What is that? Here's a reality for you. We live in a world turned upside down. The only/most efficient way to become at the top of this capitalist food chain that we live in, is to ignore everything that makes it worth waking up everyday only to pursue that which is ultimately a series of numbers. I don’t want a perfectly balanced cheque book being the only thing I have at the end of my life. I want memories, I want revelations, I want wisdom, I want connections that actually mean something. Fuck the rat race and fuck the cycle.

So here's a final line (thought). A circle. Whether it be a circle of friends, a cycle of abuse or any other behavioural cycle. The circle seems to be the one line that people can't escape. How can ya hop of a line which doesn’t end? Is it just predetermined as soon as you start? Of course not. Pro-choice? Believe that. You always have a choice. You have a choice of whether you use protection just as much as you have a choice whether you abort the foetus down the line. I have a choice whether I take my personal frustration and being tired out on others or whether I sit here for an hour and rant on and release via intelligible thought while listening to a roaring iTunes playlist. I have the choice to make a difference. If you're brave enough to read to the end of this, maybe I've already made that difference, but then again maybe you just don’t care. That's your choice. And I don't intend on taking it away from you.

Pet

--> Don't fret precious I'm here, Step away from the window and go back to sleep. Lay your head down child. I won't let the boogeymen come. Count their bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drums. Pay no mind to the rabble. Pay no mind to the rabble.

And here I am. So us is this. I've been meaning to/ trying to write this post for weeks. But it always ends in distraction. I've typed that sentence countless times, now it's time to finish it. I love this blog, but at the same time I think I need to clarify it's purpose. I don't think I can make it happy-inspirational because that wouldn't be true to who I am and what I find inspirational. I'm not of the kind so as to have a 9 step program to success and I'm not the kind who thinks the world is perfect. I appreciate balance in life, and I firmly believe the only way to get the most out of life is to have your fair share of pain and suffering. Despite this I always try to be optimistic and can't stand being over cynical. That's me, take me or leave me. I'm surprised how many decide on the latter sometimes.

More to come.

Thirteen-->ThirtyFive

--> Tonight will pass us by as we're breathing in this moon-lit air. Tonight will pass us by as the world it seems to disappear.

Here's another one :) This is more accurately how I feel about the world and a lot less cynical than my previous post.

I have 13 minutes to finish this blog.

I saw this "live brightly" thing on YouTube today. Thought it was a good idea. Turned out to be a publicity thing for a potato chip company. Whoo, big surprise there... But anyway, it was about all the little things that one might do to brighten someone's day or generally enjoy life to the fullest. The videos were about some blonde chick who wanted people to share a "bright" moment of something they do might do daily for a competition via video. Aside from sounding somewhat cultish, I thought it was cool and kinda nice as opposed to the self-absorbed assholes we're so used to.

Probably less than 25% of the people around me (and I mean that in a very broad sense) actually appreciate what they have in life from day to day. Personally I get up every single day of my life and regardless of how tired, pissed off, hungover, or generally stressed I might happen to be (which has been a fair bit lately), I get up with the strong belief that I decide the part that I play in the eternal, swirling abyss commonly known as the world we live in today. I have a purpose, responsiblities, luxeries and a lifestyle which I appreciate and genuinely love. For me there's always something awesome around the corner. And when I say "awesome" I don't mean shit like what I'm going to buy in the next few weeks or what I'm doing this weekend. I honestly find sharing a laugh or having downtime with a good friend as something awesome. This is where I find my self differing from a lot people. Every single moment where I'm experiencing life means something to me. Every sound, sight, and touch is worth appreciating, whether it be bad or good. Because in the end there is no good without bad, no sweetness without bitterness.

I believe I could find a million places just in Hamilton, (which for the most part a pretty uneventful place) and still find some form of distilled beauty somewhere. No surprise I like "American Beauty" there are things in that movie which are pretty much the essence of how I view the world... cept I'm probably a little less weird/ creepy than Ricky Fitz. I love the sarcastic comment Jane makes about having a Kodak moment with her mother. It's a brilliant film.

But whatever, I've gone over my intended time and I'm ranting now haha, people either get what I'm trying to say or they don't. It's hopefully food for thought. In a nutshell, I'm thankful. And in my opinion people should be a lot more thankful for what they have. Maybe then people could learn a bit of empathy and stop being so fucking cynical and hypercritical all the time.

Later.

No Vacancy.

--> My words won't heal you now. My words won't heal. It is you who decides. It is you who decides.


Slowly transferring important posts into my blogger account. Hahaha I love this post from when I was 18 or so... So very pretentious. I disagree with bits of it and I'm probably a hypocrite by even posting such a blog, but it definitely had it's purpose at that time in my life :)

A journal?.. Stellar. I think i might just have to rant on and on about a pile of random while life ticks past, reality slowly kicks in and I wake the fuck up.

We go about life bitching about every little imperfection and blemish in an imitation of a magazine lifestyle. "My coffee mug's handle's too small. There's too much traffic. There's a stick in my ass. There's too many people living an imitation of a magazine lifestyle" (and yes, the last half of this paragraph was supposed be under quotation marks)

It's all too easy to forget times long since passed: Being a kid, climbing up trees over and over to make a jump, 'maybe this time I'll fly away and soar...' The optimism. The hope. Somewhere along the road, the words breathed by an unrelenting youth were lost in translation. 'How can I?' became 'Why should I?', 'Where can I?' became 'Where am I?'

Why appreciate when I can criticise? I mean, people listen to criticism whether they like it or not, the negative always has a greater effect on mood than the positive. Everyone wants to be heard, I know I do. Don't deny it.

Now there's an irony in this rant, which I'll have to change. For all ranters of our society, the 'individuals' and deviants who must isolate society's flaws and who feel totally above it solely because they can identify a problem within it - Imagine if we didn't have our current system of existence. Where would that put them? Without the majority, you don't have a minority and when it comes down to it a lot the 'minority' are just the majority in a different shell.

So who are the real minority then? The minority are the ones who are truly awake, they're the ones who embrace what they have. The few who can accept an imperfect and often indifferent world for the few wonders and the beauty within it. They're ones who make a difference every day, whether it be small or miraculous by being aware of a society and adjusting its rules to achieve a positive result. They might not challenge every norm in fact only challenge the ones that suit them, but they're doing it for them not to prove anything to anyone. In saying that, they know what can be seen as the not so good aspects of a system and know how to deviate when the occasion arises. They're aware without having to make a big deal about it and likely to say something along the lines of, "fuck it, I've got a life to live and not wasting my breathe on bitching about it"

You know exactly which one you are.

later.

My First Love

--> Give your immortality, I'll set you up against the stars.

I've always found a lot of comfort in music. If I'm in a good mood, I'll crank up some summer tunes or rock out. If I'm hungover I'll listen to soft ambience or mellow trip-hop. If I feel like shit I'll play lead or solo over a depressing song. It's feels like taking control over emotion by controlling a melody or harmony over/with a song. There is no feeling in the world quite like it. I think a lot of what makes me who I am comes from being musically inclined. I've gained persistence and confidence. I've learned how to express without words and discovered how much power music has on how someone feels (myself included). I also look at the world in a different way because of the fact. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that music and my musical ability is something very, very dear to me - and I'd hate to be someone who tried to come between me and my love for music.

Later.

Open Your Eyes

--> There's always a first step.

From this point onwards, I want this to be the nexus of my online experience. The page which is always open that links me to the rest of my online persona (more on my online persona later) and the page that I can look back on and find myself inspired. If I'm down or feeling less than stellar, I'll write something in LiveJournal - It's adequately depressing there. But when I find myself conquering fears and motivated, this is where I'll come. When I have a huge inspirational epiphany, I'll come here. When I have a moment which I can't explain, but is totally awesome, I'll come here and throw a few words down. When I'm over the freaking moon, I'll come here. So in saying that, hopefully I'll be here a lot :)

I think it's probably a good idea to explain who I am. Or at least try. Here's the side of me that sites like bebo just can't show. Born and raised in Hamilton, I went to a primary, an intermediate and a high school. I had a pretty typical childhood and my parents are still together today. Mum taught me empathy, kindness, faith and how to cook. Dad taught me patience, loyalty, modesty and the usefulness of being multi skilled/talented. They both taught me stubbornness. I've seen both of them at their strongest and their weakest and I've gained a lot from that insight, I also have the utmost respect for them because of this. Also very important to who I am are my friends. They inspire me - hopefully vice-versa too. They are great to be around and a few of them have helped me out in the most amazing ways. Some of them can be bastards and some of them just don't quite see things the way I do. Either way, I'm thankful for em' they make all this worthwhile.

I've changed since even last year. I think I see the world differently than most people do. I'm never quick to pass judgement. I'm optimistic, even if it means I get dissed for the fact. I'm definitely not cynical, but still retain certain reservations so as to keep my sense intact. I have replaced an over-compensating shadow of confidence with a genuine sense of comfort and appreciation for who and where I am. I have these moments of crystal clarity where I see everything for what they are.. it's hard to explain, but all the subtext of a situation gets washed away and you're left with fundamental importance. I also have these nostalgic feelings about places I've never been to. This is even harder to explain, I mean how can I explain nostalgia of an experience I've never had. I see beauty beneath the rubble. I see the match light in a blackened room. I see people for who they are, nothing more and certainly nothing less. I am who I am, I'm probably the only one who totally knows what that means, but there are definitely a other people who understand me better than most. Hahaha yea, and they know who they are ;)